Big Ball of Fear
I was thinking of some of my most challenging days in Pink Valley. One was the days of fear. It seemed like every thought I was having led me down a path of gloom and doom. These days would occur randomly or within a set time like surgery days.
The first fear day was waiting to know if I had cancer after my biopsy. I trusted God with the results, but I was afraid of the results. Then I heard them...yes, it is cancer. I entered into Pink Valley.
A valley is a place with mountains, hills and usually a river or stream running through it. That sounds like the changing levels of thoughts and emotions. At times I was in the lowest parts of the valley, but God would still give me rest beside the stream.
"He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams." Psalm 23:2
Next, was the fear of what the cancer was doing in my body. I knew that it wasn’t doing much in its very early stage, but I really didn't know. It was cancer and I wanted it out. I had to wait two months before I had my first surgery. I also had a fear of going under anesthesia. I had a box of scripture cards that I read until the time I had to go into the operating room. I was afraid but I trusted that God was with me.
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You." Psalm 56:3
Then, there was the fear that all the cancer was found. When my doctor called me and told me it was not, I was in that 29% of women who would have to have a second surgery. I cried and cried some more. I had two lumpectomy, then radiation and now hormone therapy. God was with me through it all and brought me to new levels of trusting Him.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. "
After all of this the voice of fear keeps trying ease its way back in whispering things like: what if the cancer comes back, will I get my health back, will the fatigue, weight changes, insomnia ever go away! Then I remember the stream in the valley and the peace God is offering me.
God brought me through the diagnosis, two surgeries and radiation, Then there is all that God has done in my life before cancer. I know that I do not have a spirit of fear but of power, love and sound mind. I decided that I am done with these fears. I imagined them rolled into a big ball, through them into the stream and watched them drift away. I am at peace, trusting God and living by Isaiah 26:3:
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in you."