This is my favorite time of the year. The autumn colors, the cool air and the leaves are falling from the trees. Watching the wind carry the leaves as they twirl and swirl and eventually land on the ground can be pleasant. For me, that is what I felt like after my first conversation with doctors about my diagnosis. I went through the twirling, swirling and eventually hitting the ground. It was as though I had experienced a death.
Previously, I was on the edge of a comeback. It was early September and I was preparing to give an important presentation at my church. I was training for a triathlon. I had just completed a third degree and started a new position at work. Everything was getting back to good. I couldn't help but think sooner or later something is going to drop. It's just life, the good and the bad. I was expecting something. I was surprised that it would be my health. Everything turned upside down.
I was dropped. In science fiction movies people can be dropped or beamed into another place. That is how I felt. Hearing the truth of my reality dropped me into a new world. I call this new world, pink valley. When I entered the valley I was not dressed as myself. I was a low grade version of Tracy. It seemed like for my whole life I was putting on a show and now it was over. I had to leave the stage and face the reality of life and death. James 4:14 says,
"You do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.
Some may think that the first thing you wonder with a cancer diagnosis is, am I going to die. My thought was, okay God, this is my next test, please show me your grace! There is so much I want to accomplish, so much I have not finished. I could hear God calling me saying, "Let's talk deeper". As one of my old friends would say, "I needed to have coffee with God".
When you are looking down the path into Pink Valley, you face it with uncertainty. For me, there was one thing that was certain, God's presence. Deuteronomy 31:8
"The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
God was there in the Pink Valley waiting for me. He knew I would be dropped in, He knew when, He knew for how long. In all of my thoughts of uncertainty I was able to hold on to what is certain, God's love and God's promises.