Inside Out
A cancer diagnosis messes with your future. Just like any other life threatening disease. Once I was past the initial phase of acceptance, I began to see where I was before the news, before I went into fight mode or survivor mode. Right before the call back on the mammogram, I had decided to revamp my art business and complete other ministry projects that had fallen to the way side.
As I recovered from my surgeries, I was lying in bed on my laptop, updating my business plan, rewriting mission statements, doing sketches, logging ideas, etc. I was determined not to let this disease stop me from what I was already on path to complete. I did well, until I hit a road block.
The road block was change. I was building on who I was and who I was, was someone different now. As I looked around, things looked the same. But, on the inside I was so very different. I was changing. I was still under construction.
For me, when I am creating, what is inside of me comes out. If I am not honest with myself I cannot create a masterpiece, I create a visual lie. I believe the artist is always in their artwork. I was fighting to create an honest picture. I soon felt like I was trying to make a picture that could yet be created.
I guess you can call it artist's block. As beautiful as the flowers looked to me in Pink Valley, I could not sketch them that way. I was not ready. In other words, I needed to allow myself to finish the journey and then reassess. I was prematurely trying to move forward. I was trying to create with the same palette I had before cancer, when God was giving me a brand new, more colorful, more vibrant, more intense palette.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
What did I do...I let go and accepted that I was still in the transition. At first this was difficult but I prayed. I wanted to move forward but I prayed and soon after realizing the benefits of a brand new perspective, an upgraded palette, I became expectant. My spirit is saying, "Do it God, do it!" but I am being patient.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6
I am excited about what God was up to. Anticipating what God is going to create through me when He brings what is inside of me, out. The new me, the me that is not only cancer free but stronger and more creative. Hallelujah! God is an Awesome God!